Published on: October 31, 2022
Updated on: October 31, 2025
Author: Kentucky Counseling Center
Enabling someone’s unhealthy behaviors—often unintentionally—can have serious and long-lasting consequences. An enabler is someone who, knowingly or not, permits, tolerates, or even supports another person’s destructive actions. This is referred to as having an enabler personality. While the intention is usually to help or protect a loved one, enabling frequently perpetuates the very behavior that causes harm.
According to research from the American Psychological Association (APA), enabling behaviors commonly occur in close relationships, especially when a family member struggles with issues like substance abuse or irresponsible habits. But substance misuse is only one context; enabling can happen in any scenario where a person’s harmful conduct goes unaddressed, ignored, or even indirectly supported.
Understanding Enabling vs. Empowerment
Enabling a Loved One
Enabling typically involves taking control or intervening to shield someone from the natural consequences of their actions. For instance:
- Covering up a partner’s financial mismanagement to avoid arguments
- Paying off a sibling’s rent every time they overspend
- Lying to family or friends about a child’s continued substance use
Although rooted in a desire to help, these behaviors often worsen the situation by removing accountability and allowing negative actions to continue.
Authoritative Insight: The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) warns that enabling loved ones with addictions by giving them money or making excuses can perpetuate a cycle of dependency.
Empowering a Loved One
Empowerment, on the other hand, involves supporting someone’s autonomy and decision-making—even if you disagree with the choices they make. Examples include:
- Allowing an adult child to manage their finances while offering guidance, but not rescuing them from debts
- Encouraging a friend to seek professional help for substance issues without shielding them from the consequences
Empowerment stands in contrast to enabling because it fosters responsibility and encourages personal growth.
Are You an Enabler? Key Characteristics
Many enablers are unaware of their behavior. If you suspect you might be enabling someone, look out for these signs:
1. Ignoring or Tolerating Bad Behaviors
Avoiding conflict might seem like the easier path, but sidestepping real issues can validate harmful actions. For example, refusing to address a loved one’s shopping addiction—even though you see them drowning in debt—signals acceptance of the behavior.
2. Providing Financial Assistance
Paying a loved one’s bills or giving them cash—knowing it may fund an addiction or other irresponsible activities—is a classic enabling behavior. By removing the financial consequences, you inadvertently allow them to continue harmful patterns.
3. Covering Up or Making Excuses
Enablers often shield loved ones from criticism. You might lie about why someone missed work or assure family members that “everything’s fine” when it isn’t. This can reinforce denial and delay the person’s motivation to change.
4. Taking Over Their Responsibility
Enablers step in and handle tasks a loved one should do themselves, such as job-hunting, paying rent, or cleaning up legal messes. This robs the individual of the incentive to become self-reliant or face consequences.
5. Avoiding the Issue or “Brushing Things Off”
If you find yourself pretending not to see evidence of misconduct—like discovering receipts for alcohol or seeing suspicious text messages—this avoidance prevents necessary confrontations and personal accountability.
6. Compromising Your Own Happiness
When your personal well-being suffers—like skipping social events to care for a perpetually intoxicated partner—you may be enabling. Chronic stress, resentment, and financial strain are signs it’s time to address the situation.
7. Failing to Enforce Boundaries
Setting boundaries but never following through on consequences—such as threatening to cut financial support yet always caving—signals to your loved one that your limits aren’t real. This only fuels further detrimental behavior.
8. Feeling Resentment Toward Them
You might experience bitterness toward the person you’re “helping.” That resentment can gradually erode the relationship and harm your own mental health.
How to Stop Being an Enabler
If you recognize these traits in yourself, it’s not too late to make changes that truly support your loved one and protect your own well-being.
1. Bring Up the Issue
Open, honest dialogue is the first step. Initiate a calm conversation where you:
- Express concern without blaming
- Emphasize that you won’t enable negative behavior anymore
- Offer genuine support if they decide to seek solutions or professional help
2. Set and Enforce Boundaries
Boundaries are crucial in changing dynamics. Once you’ve decided on specific limits—like no longer lending money—stick to them. This consistent follow-through helps establish accountability.
3. Learn to Say “No”
It may feel heartless, but saying “no” to certain requests can be the most loving act in the long run. If someone’s addiction or irresponsible behavior is harming you (or them), refusing to participate is a step toward healthier patterns.
4. Stop Being Their Safety Net
- End Financial Support: If they keep asking for money to fuel a damaging habit, politely but firmly decline.
- Don’t Cover Up Mistakes: Let them handle the fallout of tardiness at work or missed bills. Let real consequences take effect.
5. Encourage Professional Help
Addiction, compulsive habits, and mental health issues often require professional assistance. Encourage your loved one to consult:
- Therapists
- Counselors
- Support groups
- Rehab facilities
6. Seek Therapy Yourself
Enabling them can take a toll on your mental health. A therapist can help you navigate the complexities of breaking enabling cycles, setting boundaries, and communicating effectively.
Where to Get Help: Kentucky Counseling Center provides therapy options for individuals and families grappling with enabling behaviors. You can also seek help through the KCC Direct Services to schedule an appointment.
The Takeaway
Acting as an enabler rarely stems from malicious intent—often, it begins with a sincere desire to “help.” However, enabling can inadvertently exacerbate the very behaviors you’re hoping to fix. By confronting issues, setting firm boundaries, and encouraging professional assistance, you can empower your loved ones to face responsibility, grow, and change.
Remember: Empowering someone means providing them the opportunity to become self-sufficient and accountable for their own actions. Enabling does the opposite. If you need guidance on identifying enabling behaviors or moving forward in a healthier way, professional counseling can make all the difference. Don’t hesitate to seek support for yourself or encourage your loved one to do the same.
